beginning a new blog since tumblr boned my last one

well here's the first blog post i'm making on blogger since tumblr decided my blog was too nsfw to be allowed on their website! ive been having a rough time lately and i can't really put my finger on exactly why. ive been trying hard to figure out why but it's all just been shitty lately. no luck on dating apps, the only girl who seems interested in me lives in spain and i'm not down for another online relationship and neither is she which is fine because fuck those. anyways i guess i'll go into why i think my life has been trash lately. first and foremost, both of my grandparents are in absolutely rough spots. my grandma had hip surgery and she's been out of commission for a few weeks now but it's been fine and i don't mind helping around the house a bit when i can. my grandpa is stubborn as hell and even though he's not really in the best of shapes he still tries to do everything he was doing a year ago. he can't walk right and his stamina is shot because of the effort it takes for him to just walk, so he can't do much of anything really. since i work from home, they alwasy delegate the things to do to me so i'm stuck doing everything for them which isn't awful but it gets annoying when there are people around who could do the same and don't work that day. i've also just grown extremely irritable over the past few weeks too from being told what to do and not having a choice because i don't want to hurt them but it sucks when my brother or my stepdad (who does practically nothing) get to sit around all day when they're free but i'm running around everyday doing thigns for them. i've also just grown to resent the way my grandpa gets me to do things. for example, i'm a night owl which means i wake up around 11 am - 1 pm most days. he woke me up at 10 am for me to go take the trash off which isn't terrible in itself but it was just the way he did it. he opened my door, yelled my name, said "take the trash off" after i woke up, and threw the keys at me. not like a violent throw but one that frustrated me nevertheless. meanwhile, my brother, who didn't work that day and had just woken up and was on the computer, wasn't even approached to take it off. i asked my grandpa, "why can't he do it" he replied "he works today" and i said "no he doesn't" and he said well he works... you do too but you were out last night. like me taking out the trash was some sort of punishment for "going out" the night before when in reality i was hanging out with my brother and our friends downstairs and he just didn't know where we were. it's shit like that that just got me fucking pissed the fuck off. i was so irate that i stormed out of the house without taking a shower or anything. i overreacted for sure but i seriously wish they understood my viewpoint sometimes. there was also a situation where my grandma woke me up and was telling me to bring my grandpa a bottle of water while he was outside doing yard work. i was groggy and easily irritable and didn't really understand what she had asked me so i sat in bed for about 5 minutes before she came back in yelling at me for not doing it. i was getting dressed after this happened to go take it to him and then she starts yelling at me from across the house to start doing it again and i just snapped and started yelling back telling her i was going to do it. it's one ofmy pet peeves to be told by someone to do something i'm already doing. i felt really bad afterwards but i was so mad i couldn't think straight. something similar happened today when my grandparents got back from the grocery store around 8:30 and i helped them with bringing them inside. after i was done and going to go take a shower my grandpa makes a comment telling me to get ready and not to lay down. this fucking infuriated me beyond belief because i already knew what to do, i had put clothes in the bathroom already so i was fully aware of what i was going to do. i just said "alright" in an obviously annoyed and pissed off tone and they got pissed off at me which makes sense because i was being a dickhead. i know this is silly things to rant about and i'm obviously the offender in all of the cases but it seriously sucks knowing that they shovel everything towards me without acknowledging other people who could do it too alongside pissing me off by doing things they know i don't like. another reason i feel like my life has been dogshit lately is because i've kinda become a hermit. like last summer i worked a couple days a week and was out of the house quite a bit compared to this summer. with this new hermit lifestyle i've gained weight and have been masturbating way too fucking much lmao. i've also had awful sleeping schedule but that's been the entire year so far and not just the summer. i get bored easily and instead of finding good ways to cope i either jack off or eat generally. my goal for weight by the end of the year was 190 but that seems like a pipedream now, like i'm sitting around 225 atm and i doubt i'll be able to lose 35 pounds by the end of the year, especially at the rate i'm going at. it's a shame considering the fact that i was doing well for myself and hit 203 by the end of 2018. i got super lazy and stopped caring about what i eat or how much i eat and it's showing now. i'm hoping that writing about some of this stuff helps me out because i know i need to quit both things but i'm just being stubborn and can't work past it. today has been decent in terms of food but i have a feeling i'll eat before the night ends, but it may not be a huge deal as i think i'm sitting around 1700-2000 cals for the day and i can eat up to around 2700 a day i believe. actually just looked at a weight loss calculator and it's saying around 2200 calories a day is what i should be aiming for. maybe i won't eat tonight but if i do i need to start holding true to my plan of eating 2000 calories a day or less. i know for a fact i'll hit my goal at that point, and i may give myself some breathing room too just to fuck around and have cheat days. also, my internship hasn't been what i was expecting but it's honestly the best part of my life rn. i'm not mad or anything at it, just was expecting a bit more from it but for now i'm fine with what i've got going in that end. i guess that's as much of an update as i've got for now, still no luck with girls, still think about the swedish girl sometimes and for some reason wish she'd talk to me but i know for a fact i really don't actually want that because of just how shitty she is. regardless, i do miss being wanted. that was nice. even if it was fake just so she could have a nice dick and a nice voice to masturbate to.